The Very Awkward Ringtone
by Theta Serpentis
Summary: Written for a very silly Norsekink prompt. Thanks to Darcy-Hela's fondness for her cell phone, all nine realms actually have internet and phone access. Unfortunately, Loki's children have a habit of calling him at all the worst - most extremely awkward - moments possible.
1. The Very Awkward Ringtone

**Disclaimer: **Everything recognisable from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, etc, belongs to Marvel and its affiliates and I am neither them, nor making any money off this. All songs which are referenced in this story belong to their respective owners – I neither own nor am profiting from them.

**A/N:** This was written for a prompt at the Norsekink community on Livejournal. The original prompter was anonymous and I originally filled the prompt there. This is not meant to be taken seriously and the chapters are very short.

_**Prompt: **_Jumping on the old Jörmungandr!Fury, Fenrir!Coulson, Hela!Darcy boat.

Thanks to Darcy-Hela's fondness for her cell phone and Loki's ability to go between worlds without the Bifrost, all nine realms actually have internet and phone access - even though most people don't know it. Loki, being a good father/mother, keeps his phone with him (and very, very secret).

His ringtone is, however, a song - Midgardian - that would embarrass him very much if people from his life in Asgard heard it. Similarly, the specified text-message noises for each of his children would be ...awkward to explain. (Those of you who've watched Season Two of BBC Sherlock know exactly what I'm talking about.)

Unfortunately, Loki's children have a habit of calling him at all the worst - most extremely awkward - moments possible. Moments such as:

- Thor's coronation  
- the battle on Jötunheimr  
- just about any point in the movie, or afterward, really.

* * *

**The Coronation:**

Loki has successfully kept his children's mortal identities – and his near constant communication with them – a secret for many, many centuries. Technically speaking, he didn't _need_to keep such secrets, especially since their doting grandparents had given Hela a realm and the boys guardianship of a realm for their three hundredth birthday. Yet sneaking around the rest of the family was – in many ways – a bonding experience for them.

He always kept his Starkphone – as for some reason Hela (or Darcy, as she was insisting on being called, swore by Starktech – on him, though, in case one of his children needed him. For the sake of Thor's coronation, however, Loki had warned the three of them _not_to call unless it was an emergency.

The first time he heard the tell-tale growling of a text alert message from Fenrir he tried to ignore it.

Next to him, Sif glanced up curiously. It seemed as if she was about to make a comment, but Thor's entrance prevented her from doing so.

_Growl_

Loki tensed slightly.

_Growl_

Frigga turned to her youngest son – she was wide eyed and torn between amusement and exasperated disbelief. It was painfully obvious that she thought it was some sort of prank.

It was not until Thor swore to guard the nine realms that Loki began to relax again. Clearly, he reasoned, whatever the emergency had been Fenrir had decided to take it to his brother instead. The rest of the day would go to plan; Thor's coronation would be ruined, the nine realms would be safe from Thor's lack of humility and as soon as he was sure someone would bash some sense into his brother's head he would be free to rush down to his son's side and be told his help was no longer necessary.

"Do you swear," the Allfather asked, "to preserve-"

_Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive._

Loki tensed as all eyes turned toward him, shock clearly written across every face. It seemed no one had believed that he would play a prank during such an important ceremony.

Loki opened his mouth, paused and then closed it again.

The Bee Gees ringtone continued, heedless of the mortification it was bringing on its owner.

Finally, after a bit of blind searching – for Loki's eyes were fixed on his brother's – Loki successfully pulled out his phone.

_Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.  
Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive._

"Do you mind?" Loki asked, almost meekly, as he held up the phone.

"Loki..." Odin began, apparently at a loss for words.

"I really have to take this," Loki said. "I told them not to call unless it was an emergency." Then, without waiting for a reply, Loki answered the call. With one hand, he idly waved to his father – trying non-verbally to convey the message that the coronation should continue without him – and walked away.

* * *

"Fenrir? What is it? What's wrong?" Loki asked, allowing his alarm to seep into his tone.

As he walked away from the consultant, who hadn't been listening anyway, Phil Fenrir Coulson (which was exactly what it said on his falsified birth certificate) sighed. "Nothing's wrong, Dad," he said tiredly.

"What do you mean 'nothing's wrong'?" Loki exclaimed.

Phil winced and pulled the phone away from his ear. He sighed again. "What I mean, Dad," he said slowly, "is that you were bound to come up with some crazy plan to stop Uncle Thor from being crowned before he should be – I talked about it with Nick, I mean Jörmungandr, and Dar.. er, Hela, and we figured that if we were the ones who interrupted things would have a better chance of going right."

There was a very long silence on the other end of the line. It was the sort of silence that made Phil want to put his tail between his legs and slink off unnoticed ...which was especially irritating, because he didn't have a tail in human form.

"I... appreciate your concern, Fen," Loki said, at length, "but it really wasn't necessary."

Phil gave a little bark like laugh. "I love you too, Dad," he replied. Then he noticed the strange look Stark was giving him. "Er, I have to go now," he added, reluctantly, "work and all. Tell Uncle Thor, Grandmother and Grandfather we love them, will you?"

There was a sigh on the other end of the line. "I will ...it might help get me out of trouble," Loki said wryly.

"Oh, and I owe Sleepy an apple," Phil added, beginning to feel the awkwardness of the situation (Pepper still hadn't managed to make Stark stop staring at him as if he'd grown a second head).

"You _always_owe Sleipnir an apple," his father replied, amused. "I'll make sure he gets one."

"Okay, then," Phil said. "We'll talk later, bye." Then, hyper aware of his audience, he hung up.

* * *

In the golden halls of Asgard, Loki sighed, put his phone away and walked back toward the throne room. Thor and Odin, who were walking hurriedly in the other direction, nearly crashed into him.

Loki blinked and took a step backward as they approached. "Has something happened?" he asked, knowing full and well _exactly_what had happened.

The question was enough to send Thor into a furious explanation which seemed to focus over and over again on the fact that the Frost Giants had interrupted _his _coronation rather than other important factors like the fact that it had been a break-in.

Loki turned to walk with his father and brother without hesitation and with a serious and concerned expression on his face. Inside, however, he was smiling – for, even with the little hiccup caused by his overly helpful children, everything was going according to plan.

* * *

**The Battle on Jötunheimr**

Loki had ignored the tell tale sound of hissing and water splashing that he had come to associate with text messages from Jörmungandr – as much as he had wanted to read the messages, convincing Thor not to start a war and sweet talking Laufey had been taking all of his attention ...and Jörmungandr had SHIELD, so he was bound to have someone competent enough to deal with whatever the problem was.

However, as Loki dodged yet another Jötunn warrior's attack, he began to wish he had read his texts. He didn't want the last memory of him for _any_of his children to be that he had not answered them.

Somewhere in the background and chaos, Loki thought he heard one of his companions cry out and – not for the first time since Thor had announced the trip to Jötunheimr – he wished he had let his children handle crashing the coronation.

In his distraction, Loki failed to prevent one of the Jötunn from grabbing his arm. He watched in horror as the frost burned through his gauntlet and as his wrist and hand... began to turn the same vivid blue as the skin of the Jötnar. Both Loki and his aggressor stared at the offending limb in bafflement.

_I'm blue da ba dee da ba die..._

Loki's eyes widened. So did the Jötunn warrior's. Thoughtlessly, Loki reached out and stabbed his attacker.

However, as the body felt to the floor, Loki became acutely aware that all the normal sounds of battle were ...somewhat lacking. Instead all that remained was an awkward almost-silence (as his companions, Laufey and the Jötnar warriors stared at him) and the ridiculously loud recording of Eiffel 65's music.

Finally, after a long pause, Volstagg shrugged slightly and asked, "Aren't you going to answer it?" As all eyes turned to him, he awkwardly shrugged again and looked down.

"_That_," Loki said slowly, "is _not_my ringtone."

_I'm blue da ba dee da ba die..._

"The ...sound," Laufey pointed out, clearly flummoxed; which was a particularly peculiar thing to hear in his deep and gravel-like voice, "appears to be coming from you."

Loki sighed almost inaudibly – something made easy by the ridiculously loud ringtone – and visually sought out his brother. When he saw Thor give him a very serious nod, he pulled out his mobile and answered the call.

"Hello," Loki said, trying not to cough. For all his talent at lying, he was at a loss for what to say – although he mentally blamed _that_on his rather peculiar audience. "You have reached Loki Silvertounge," the younger prince continued. "I'm not available right now, because I'm in the middle of a battle, but in case I escape Jötunheimr alive please leave your name and number and I will fail to get back to you as soon as I can."

"That's not funny, Dad," Jörmungandr stated.

Loki blinked. "You know, Jör, if you're attempting to interrupt your Uncle's coronation: Fenrir beat you to it," he pointed out.

One of the Jötunn warriors standing near Loki leaned over to try and catch what the strange device was saying. Unfortunately for him, he was therefore nearly deafened by Loki's next reply.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'STARK GOT HOLD OF HIS PHONE'?" Loki exclaimed. Then, having blown off some steam, he (far more calmly) added, "That, at least, explains the ringtone change."

To the bafflement of those around him, Loki listened calmly and began to walk away from the battle – back toward the Bifrost site. Then, as if only just remembering that he had been in the middle of something, he turned back to Laufey and mouthed 'Sorry'.

Laufey, eager to get rid of the interlopers in any way possible, waved him off.

Loki nodded and began to walk away once more, expecting his companions to follow.

"Do stop swearing, Jörmungandr," Loki chided. "I taught you better than to say 'motherfucking' every three words. Yes – even when Stark thinks hacking into SHIELD'S mainframe from Fenrir's phone is a good idea. No, you may _not_ eat his yacht. I told you to stop sinking ships three hundred years ago."

* * *

**The Weapons Vault**

Loki's head was spinning – for so many questions, and so many explanations spun, 'round his mind that he could hardly keep them straight.

"You could have told me what I was from the beginning," he pointed out. "Why didn't you?"

His father – his _not_-father – looked tired. "You are my son," the Allfather replied, his tone tinged with what sounded like pain. "I wanted only to protect you from the truth."

Loki swallowed tightly and looked away; looked down at the singed floor of the weapons vault. …The floor which had been ruined because of his actions. "Because," he choked out, "I..."

_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love. Love's going to leave me..._

Loki's jaw dropped. He blinked, repeatedly and his face slowly began another miraculous change of colour – this time he bypassed vermilion and went straight to a vivid flush of scarlet.

Finally, Loki closed his eyes and ground out between his gritted teeth, "I am really beginning to hate this Mister Stark."

Odin stared at him.

Loki, by now long since resigned to the situation, pulled out his phone and – noting his father's concern – answered the call with the speaker phone function (a peculiarity of the Starkphone he had never seen the point of before). "What is it?" he bit out, without checking the caller ID.

Odin blinked in surprise as his granddaughter's voice echoed in the room.

"Hi Dad!" Hela chirruped.

Loki's face immediately softened. "Hela, sweetie," he replied. "This really isn't the best of times, love." He was so focused on his daughter that he did not notice the Allfather walking up to him.

"I kind of figured that when my favourite uncle crash landed down here, Dad," Hela replied dryly. "Jör's been freaking ever since you answered his call from, y'know, _ice-land_. I'm not sure what you did, but you should have let Fen and Jör handle things, seriously."

Loki blanched slightly when he realised exactly what his daughter was about to blurt out. "Hela, please put your uncle on the phone," he said as firmly as he could.

"No way! He'll break it!" she replied immediately. Then sounding distinctly put out, she added, "Besides, he didn't even _recognise_me. I think he was too busy making goo-goo eyes at Jane. Or her cleavage."

Both Odin and Loki clearly heard the shriek of "DARCY!" in the background on the other end of the line. It was followed by Hela giving a choked little laugh and quickly exclaiming, "Gotta go – love you, bye!"

It was at that point that Loki became aware that his father was standing in front of him, with only the mobile – held in Loki's outstretched hand – between them. Their eyes met over the little Midgardian machine and when Loki saw the bemusement and fondness in his father's expression – an expression focused on him, not his daughter – Loki began to think, for the first time since his world was pulled out from under him, that maybe ...just maybe, things would be alright.

The gentle, wrinkled hand that cupped his cheek seemed to be proof of that.

* * *

**Midgard**

Tony Stark swore as he hurried up the stairs and into the meeting with Rhodey and some of the military big-wigs. He'd already told them a million times that he wasn't going back to making weapons that would just get used to kill innocent people and he really wasn't too happy with Pepper for making him go to the meeting.

He threw open the door of the meeting room and flashed them the cockiest smile he could. "Hi guys!" Tony exclaimed. "Sorry to keep you all waiting." He wasn't, really, but leaving the big-wigs sitting for three hours after what had happened seemed like mighty fine repayment to him. He did feel a bit sorry for Rhodey, though, since it wasn't his fault they'd wanted the Ironman armour to be militarised.

"I know what you're going to say," Tony continued, forcibly talking over the general (he thought it was a general) and pouring himself a drink. "And I want you to know that it's not going to change my mind because I think the time is ripe to..."

But Tony Stark (genius billionaire playboy philanthropist that he was) never got to finish that sentence, because his phone began to ring ...the ringtone, however, was not his.

_Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance). Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance). Put that baby spell on me. Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump). Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)_

Tony blinked. Then he pulled out his phone and stared at it. He took a sip of his brandy, blinked and stared at it again. The caller ID, he decided, was being decidedly unhelpful.

"Who the hell is Loki?" he asked.


	2. The Return of the Very Awkward Ringtone

**Disclaimer: **Everything recognisable from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, etc, belongs to Marvel and its affiliates and I am neither them, nor making any money off this. All songs which are referenced in this story belong to their respective owners – I neither own nor am profiting from them.

* * *

**The Return of the Very Awkward Ringtone**

**SHIELD 'HQ' **

It had not been a particularly normal day for the staff of SHIELD – not that any day involving Tony Stark really could be considered normal. Firstly, there had been the matter of the strange energy readings near Puente Antiguo during the night. Then there had been the matter of Stark surrendering Agent's Coulson's phone (through which he had altered the ringtones of _all_ Coulson's contacts several times) with surprisingly little fuss… only for the staff of SHIELD to realise that he did so because he had managed to hack from contact list to contact list and was amusing himself by altering _every_SHIELD employee's ringtone. Although he had not liked to do so, even Director Fury had been forced to admit that using the theme of Mission Impossible for the ringtone of every SHIELD agent had actually been rather amusing.

Nevertheless, once they had finally succeeded in cleaning up _that_mess they had received a tip from an informant (who only Fury and Coulson knew was actually their baby sister) that a strange alien device had crashed about fifty miles from Puente Antiguo and a unit had been dispatched to study with the potential threat.

In the private opinions of Nick Jörmungandr Fury and Phil Fenrir Coulson, Mjölnir was far less of a threat than their uncle errant, but that was hardly something that they could tell the rest of the organisation.

_Duuun dun. Duuun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun dun…_

Director Fury answered his phone, aware of the peculiar looks his employees were giving him. "Yes?"

"Sir," his little brother said seriously on the end of the line. "We've found it."

Nick nodded to himself – he had, after all, expected both the call and the outcome. "You know what to do, Agent," he replied, keeping his tone formal; if only because they were still technically at work. "Call again when you have more to report."

After hearing a quick goodbye from Fenrir, the Director hung up his phone.

Across the room his left hand agent – Maria Hill – raised an eyebrow at him.

"Is there something you need, Agent?" Jör asked sharply.

"No, Sir," Agent Hill replied. Then, after a very brief pause, she added, "The Theme from Jaws, Sir?"

"In-joke," Director Fury stated tartly.

"Yes, Sir," Agent Hill said, although it was clear from the not-quite-successfully repressed twitch of her lips that she was extremely amused.

* * *

**Smith Motors – Lab**

Darcy Hela Lewis glanced over her laptop at her uncle. His continued failure to acknowledge her had been extremely irritating, so she had no problem with openly checking her uncle's body out. She had, after all, learned from her father that blatant leering at people who you were related to – but who didn't know you were related to them – made for wonderful embarrassment and awkwardness for the other person once they worked out who you were. Her father was particularly fond of doing that to Uncle Fandral (who wasn't really her uncle, so the fact that he would totally jump her if Daddy wasn't so overprotective didn't bother her at all).

"You know," she told Jane, "for a crazy homeless guy, he's pretty cut."

Jane gave her a withering look, although it was amusingly clear to Hela that Jane privately agreed with the sentiment and indubitably clear to Jane that Darcy knew that she agreed, and turned away.

As her uncle exited the backroom Hela cheerfully called out, "Hey, sorry I tased you!" although she really, _really_wasn't.

Thor gave her an odd look – a look that Hela associated with people who are trying to figure out exactly how they knew the person they were talking to. One of her professors had died in his office the year before and that was the exact same look he had given her when she'd shown up to greet him post-mortem. Mentally she decided that her uncle _had_recognised her on sight, but had convinced himself that she wasn't who he thought she was – she was, after all, supposed to be ruling in Helheim. Of course, her uncle didn't know she could do that from her starkphone.

On the other side of the room Jane, flustered, was stumbling through an explanation of the name sticker Thor had found on the front of the t-shirt he had been lent.

_So always look on the bright side of death (whistling). Just before you draw your terminal breath (whistling)._

Although she had been saved from any further embarrassed attempts to dig herself out of the social hole she only imagined she had dug herself into, Jane sighed in irritation and gave Darcy – who was frantically searching for her phone – a tired glare. Thor, on the other hand, gave the young intern a considering look, as if her choice of ringtone was further evidence that she was who he thought she was (which, if Hela was being completely honest, it was).

_And always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the right side of life (whistling)._

"No offence, Darcy," Jane said as her intern scrambled to find her phone amongst all the papers on the table, "but could you please find a less annoying ringtone?"

_Always look on the bright side of life (whistling). Always look on the bright side-_

Hela flashed her boss a cheerful and somewhat apologetic smile as she answered the phone. "Yep?" she chirruped.

A moment later the smile fell from her face. "Whoa, Dad," she exclaimed. "Slow down a minute!"

Erik and Jane traded concerned looks.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'ADOPTED'?" Hela practically shrieked. "Why didn't they tell you? Is Granpa there? Could you put him on the phone… WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'CONVINENT OD'…er, coma?"

There was an awkward pause. This time Erik and Jane traded baffled looks.

"Okay, okay," Hela said after she had taken a calming breath. "Dad, slow down. No – don't do that. That would be stupid. DAD! _MOM_was from icy-land!"

Thor's eyes widened as if he had been struck by a sudden realisation.

"Could you come here?" Hela continued, although her tone implied it wasn't a suggestion – the All-Father hadn't given her a whole realm to rule when she was only three hundred for nothing, after all; she was good at running things. "Yes, I _know_you've got a king-er-company to run! I think Grandma can handle it for a little while. Yes. No. NO! Do NOT hang up the phone! Dad! Daaad!"

Then to the utter bamboozlement of her companions, she tossed her mobile on the table and blew at a stray lock of her hair in irritation. "My Dad's an idiot," she stated factually.

Erik, somewhat faintly, replied, "You could always tase him."

Thor's stomach growled.

Erik and Jane shared another look, this one clearly agreeing on the need to go out for a meal. As they made the verbal agreement and went to find their coats, Hela went about changing her ringtone one-handed. When she noticed that her uncle was still watching her, curiously, she allowed half her face to – momentarily – fade into a skeletal form he would recognise, brought a bony finger to her lips (the half that were there, at least) and winked.

* * *

**Isabela's Diner**

Darcy tried not to grin too widely as she held up her phone at her uncle. "This is going on Facebook," she told him.

Thor smiled at the device, even though his mouth was stuffed with pancake. There was an almost knowing twinkle in his eyes, one which had been there since Hela had shown herself for what she was back at Jane's 'lab' …and considering what her brothers had been planning for their uncle's coronation, she had the feeling that Thor figured the image would indeed get back to her father. She also had noticed the concerned looks her uncle (and Jane and Erik) had been giving her ever since her father's faintly hysterical call.

One of the townies at the bar was blabbering about a crashed satellite to Erik, who actually seemed interested, and had just began to explain that it was apparently un-liftable when Hela discovered that – in her rush to choose a new ringtone – she had accidentally altered the volume setting as well.

_I hold your hand in mine, dear,_ the dulcet tones of Tom Lehrer warbled from the phone in her hand. _I press it to my lips. I take a healthy bite, from your dainty fingertips._

One of the townies at the bar, Hela thought his name might have been Jake but she mentally had been calling him Still-Mostly-Hungover, spun on his barstool and vomited. However, Hela seemed to be the only one who noticed – everyone else in the diner was still staring at her phone in abject horror …except Uncle Thor, who was totally used to that sort of thing when she was around.

Jane's jaw had dropped and Erik looked decidedly squeamish. Hela answered her phone with an unrepentant smile – she had always loved seeing macho men become terrified and sickly at the merest mention of how things were in her domain.

"Hello?" she asked cheerfully. "Oh, hi Jör!"

Erik and Jane traded bemused looks once again. No one noticed Thor getting directions from one of the townies and leaving the diner.

"Yeah, hold on, I'll get him," she replied. Then she turned to where her uncle should have been and paled slightly. "It's for… you," she began to tell the empty chair. Then, after a very annoyed pause, she put the phone against her ear again. "He buggered off," she told her brother.

A moment or so later, Hela was rushing out of the diner after Jane and Erik – although she took the time to give one of the townies a smug smirk when she walked past him and he made the sign of the cross.

* * *

**Throne Room**

"All-father," Sif began as she and her companions rushed into the golden hall, "we must speak with you urgently."

There was a sigh from the person on the throne.

Sif and the Warriors Three paused, stunned and somewhat baffled by the sight of Loki lounging on the throne with Gungnir in one hand and his strange noise machine in the other.

_Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang. Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang..._

Loki put his face in his hand, thereby accidentally pressing it against the machine, and made a noise which sounded suspiciously like a groan. "I hate this thing," he groused. "Thor banished, father in the Odinsleep, my entire world pulled out from under me and I can't even get my old ringtone back – for every time I think I've got it, it turns out to be something else. Why do Midgardians _need_over twelve thousand different possible ringtones, anyway?"

Sif opened her mouth. She closed it again. This process repeated itself several times.

"What is that thing?" Fandral finally asked.

Loki gave them a bizarrely grim look. "A …phone," he replied.

"Oh," Volstagg said with a distinct note of sarcasm in his voice, "that explains it, all, then, doesn't it?" It was clear to everyone in the room that he was not only referring to the peculiar machine.

_Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang. Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang..._

Loki flushed slightly, checked the caller ID and answered the phone. "Hela, sweetie, what is it?"

Sif frowned and traded baffled looks with her companions. Hogun, she noted, appeared to be grimmer than he usually was.

"You …lost your uncle?" Loki asked slowly. "You _lost_your uncle." The King-Regent did his best to ignore the four horrified expressions fixed upon him and asked the question that had him most concerned, "How, exactly, can you 'loose' him? He's not exactly hard to miss."

Loki was silent for a moment, clearly listening and then a false and saccharine smile crossed his face – it was the sort of smile that all of his friends had come to associate with carnage (although it was usually reserved for their enemies). "Hela, love," he said soothingly, "I know you've been worried by some of the things I said earlier. …Yes, I know that. I was in shock and I panicked – I wasn't _really_going to blow up Jotunheim."

Volstagg's jaw dropped. It was almost as unattractive an expression as that of Hogun – whose eyes were practically popping out of his head.

"Loki," Sif began slowly.

Loki spun swiftly and raised the hand which was not holding his device in a gesture which was clearly meant to make her wait a moment. When she began to speak again anyway, he mouthed 'just a minute!' at her furiously and waved his index finger in her face.

"Call your brothers," Loki insisted at the machine. "No, yes. Hela! No – just, Hela: call your brothers, I'm sure that Jörmungandr and Fenrir can find him. I promise. No, truly, I promise – I won't do anything stupid. I _promise_." There was a pause. "Yes I know that means nothing coming from me!"

Hogun, to the surprise of everyone, reached out and plucked the machine from Loki's hand. It hit the floor a moment later.

"Explain," the grim warrior commanded.

_Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang. Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang..._

Fandral, unable to contain his curiosity, picked up the strange singing machine and held it at arms' length, as if he expected it to explode.

"Green button," Loki murmured in a tone which was both helpful and resigned.

"YOUR PHONE ETTIQUET _SUCKS_, DAD!" Hela yelled. Before Loki had a chance to reply, however, she hung up on him.

"Damn it," Loki muttered.

* * *

**SHIELD HOLDING CELL**

"It's not easy to do what you did," Phil told his uncle. "You made us all look like a bunch of mall cops. That's hurtful." He almost added that it was nearly as hurtful as not being recognised by his uncle, but he figured it was somewhat understandable – Thor was clearly lost in thought and the last time they had seen each other Phil had been significantly furrier.

"The men you so easily subdued are highly-trained professionals, and in my experience, it takes someone who's received similar training to do what you did to them," Phil continued, trying to keep his speech as professional as possible. Nevertheless, when he asked his next question he nearly laughed, "Would you like to tell me where you received your training?"

Thor continued to silently sit – stubborn as ever – in the painfully white room.

"Pakistan? Chechnya? Afghanistan?" Phil made the suggestions carefully – he practically had to bite his own tongue to prevent himself from adding 'Asgard' to the end of the list. That, however, would have been highly unprofessional (which really meant that he didn't fancy his brother threatening to use his pelt as a rug again). "Then again, you strike me more as the soldier of fortune type," Phil continued, trying to sound thoughtful. "What was it, South Africa? Certain groups pay well for a good mercenary. Especially HYDRA."

His uncle still failed to respond, a fact which surprised Phil – he'd expected that Thor would take the suggestion that he was a mercenary as a slight against his honour.

_Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof._

Phil Coulson closed his eyes, mentally counting to three.

Thor finally raised his head, a strange – almost wry – smile pulling at his lips as he did. "Fenrir?" he asked slowly.

Phil smiled slightly as he pulled out his phone, and moved to answer it. "Hold on a minute, Uncle," he said as he walked toward the door – there was very little point, after all, trying to keep up the pretence anymore.

Thor smiled sadly at him as he left the room.

"It would seem that awkward call timing runs in the family," a dry voice intoned.

Thor turned sharply, shocked to see his brother – in Midgardian clothing – standing in front of him. What was far more surprising than both his brother's appearance and his clothing, though, was the clear and definite handprint on his left cheek. Someone, a woman if one were to judge by the size of the handprint, had evidently slapped him …hard.

Loki followed his brother's gaze slightly and reached up to touch his cheek. "Mother was …less than amused when Lady Sif told her I had been planning the destruction of Jotunheim," he murmured, sounding almost apologetic – and extremely embarrassed – as he did. "It would seem that I'm, ah," Loki paused sucking in a breath, "temporarily joining you." Then he pressed his lips together and looked back at Thor – who realised, in that moment, that Loki was actually trying very hard not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Thor blinked, however, when he fully digested exactly what he little brother had said. "Why would you want to blow up Jotunheim?" he asked slowly.

"Because I'm adopted," Loki replied, on the one hand trying to keep the near-hysterical merriment out of his voice and on the other treating the statement as if it actually made sense. On the third hand (wherever he had gotten it) he seemed about ready to cry.

_Here we are, Born to be kings. We're the princes of the universe,_a voice sung from inside one of Loki's pockets.

"Maybe I'll just blow this thing up instead," he murmured as he pulled out his phone. "Hello?"

"Weell, helllooo," an unknown male on the other end of the line replied. "Do you like the song?"

Loki paused thoughtfully before responding. "You must be the infamous Tony Stark," he said calmly. "You're also drunk, if the sounds from the glass are anything to go by."

"Infamous? Me?" the mortal man inquired. "You listen to Agent C too much. Besides, I'm not drunk – I'm only on my second glass. And you still haven't told me if you like the song. I thought it'd be appropriate, what with all the cooky family codenames and all."

"Actually, I quite like it," Loki said finally. "I think I'll keep it." Then, with a faint smile at his brother, he hung up and idly placed the phone in a pocket dimension. It could go bother someone else for a change.


	3. The Very Awkward Ringtone: Repercussions

**Disclaimer: **Everything recognisable from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, etc, belongs to Marvel and its affiliates and I am neither them, nor making any money off this. All songs which are referenced in this story belong to their respective owners – I neither own nor am profiting from them.

* * *

**The Repercussions of the Very Awkward Ringtone **

**Shield Holding Cell**

There had been some merriment after Loki sent his phone away, but it had been soon replaced by awkwardness.

"Loki?" Thor asked quietly – although there was a hint of something other than gentleness and concern in his tone which suggested that he had already figured out the answer to his own question. "What does destroying Jötunheimr have to do with you being adopted?"

Loki opened his mouth to reply, then struck by a though exclaimed, "YOU KNEW?"

Thor, shocked, leapt to his feet and exclaimed, "No, Brother, I swear to you. Had I known I would have told you." He reached out with both hands (for they were still cuffed together by the strange Midgardian restraint – the humour of which he had realised in hindsight: for_ Fenrir_ leashing _him _was not the normal way of things in their family) to touch Loki's shoulder comfortingly. "We are brothers: we have no secrets from each other."

Loki made a weak choking noise and looked away from Thor.

Thor, hurt and somewhat baffled, pulled back and returned to his seat.

Loki stared at the bright white floor, fiddling with the edge of his coat as he did. "You still call me brother," he inquired hesitantly, "though we share no blood?"

Thor smiled sadly at his brother. "Even if Mother had not prevented you from destroying a people who had done you no wrong," he replied. "That you may be adopted, I can accept. That it should drive a wedge between us I will not accept."

Loki blinked at him. Finally, he said, "I think you hit your head too hard when you landed. You're actually being …mature." Then a strange, hard look crossed his face. "Besides," he added, "saying you can accept something and _actually accepting_it are very different things."

In a swift, graceful movement he pulled the Casket of Ancient Winters out of a pocket dimension and unleashed it on the floor next to Thor's chair. A moment later he stalked over and sat down on the chair which had formed next to his brother's (and which was identical to the other chair – or it would have been, had it not been made of ice). He then put the Casket on his knees, folded his arms on top of it and slumped on it stubbornly.

Thor glanced awkwardly at his brother from the out of the corner of his eyes.

Loki kept his red eyes fixed stubbornly forward.

Thor looked forward for a moment, and then glanced back at his brother. "So…" he began.

"So," Loki agreed, nodding his head very slightly several times.

Phil walked back into the holding cell, putting his mobile away as he did. "Now," he began. "Where did we… Dad?"

"Fenrir," Loki said calmly. "I see you found your uncle."

Phil blinked, a faint smile tugged at his lips. "I don't think you're supposed to have that," he said, nodding to the Casket.

Loki smiled wryly at his son. "I was going to destroy Jötunheimr with it," he stated. "Mother didn't know I had it when she caught me."

Thor frowned. "Were you actually going to…" he began to ask.

"Yes," Loki replied. "No. I kept doing things to forward the plan and then undoing them. I… It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

Phil tilted his head to the side, looking very much like a curious puppy. "I remember last time Grandmother was mad at me," he mentioned thoughtfully. "She hit me on the nose with a rolled up treaty."

Loki blinked at his son. Then, slowly, a smile spread across his face. "Oh, yes," he said, slowly; drawing the words out. "I _remember_that."

Phil winced. He recognised the tone – it was the tone his father always used when he was about to give a detailed retelling of an incident that had utterly mortified one of his children.

"You nearly nibbled Tyr's hand off on that occasion," Thor pointed out.

"He was just a puppy!" Loki exclaimed.

Phil smiled slightly. "Hel, er, Darcy called," he told his companions. "She wanted to warn me that Doctor Foster was determined to rescue Uncle Thor from the government organisation and asked that we please not arrest Doctor Selvig for lying to us when he comes to pick Thor up… and when Hela hacks into our system."

"Don't we have enough people hacking into the system?" inquired a voice by the door.

The three members of the House of Odin turned, in unison, to stare at the man in the doorway.

"Well," Loki said with false cheer, "it would seem that this family can manage awkwardness by merely mentioning their phones."

* * *

**Shield Desert Base Control Trailer**

Clint Barton took a sip of his coffee and walked up and down the small space between the equipment-covered desks. As much as he had enjoyed watching the fight with the intruder from the air, he found he could not appreciate the chill left in him by the rain. He knew that pacing in their space – with a full cup of coffee practically above their delicate equipment – was severely irritating the trailer full of techie agents, but he was too busy getting warm to care. Although, he reasoned, they could merely be jealous of him for having a cup of cheap coffee – most of them looked like they had been up two days straight.

_I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty,_

Clint froze, his face blanking out. He was painfully aware of the techies beginning to lean around their computers to try and see who the sound was coming from.

_I feel pretty and witty and gay!_

After a few moments Clint was forced to admit that the sound – which was _definitely_not his normal ringtone – was coming from him. Hawkeye grit his teeth and pulled out his phone, eager to slink out of the trailer as soon as he could.

"Hello?" he barked as he walked toward the exit. He heard one of the techies snicker as he walked past.

"Is your ringtone wrong?" a familiar, and tired sounding voice, asked from the other end of the line.

"Tasha?" Clint asked.

In Shield 'HQ', the Helicarrier, Black Widow sighed. "Stark's little prank was more complex than we thought," she said. "He apparently – with JARVIS' assistance – made a list of ringtone possibilities for every single Shield employee. If just one person fails to reset their ringtone within a certain amount of time they _all_reset themselves to the next one on the list."

Agent Barton smirked slightly. "What did he get you with?" he asked, significantly more amused.

"You first," Natasha replied.

"I feel pretty," he conceded …and he definitely heard one of the techies near the door choking at that point. Suddenly more amused by the situation, Clint returned to pacing up and down the trailer, occasionally glancing at the one-way glass door of the holding cell. "It's supposed to be the Carnival of the Animals – Camille Saint-Saëns."

"Mine normally just rings," Agent Romanoff replied.

"And?" Clint asked. He could practically feel the glare she was levelling at nothing in particular.

"Black Widow song – Britney Spears," she bit out. "But I think Agent Hill and the Director had it worse."

"Oh?" Hawkeye murmured, taking another sip of his coffee.

"Maria from West Side Story and Purple People Eater, respectively," Natasha said.

Clint chuckled and turned to pace the trailer again. When he looked into the holding cell, however, he paused. "I'll call you back," he told her, seriously.

"Stark's heading your way," Natasha informed him quickly. "Apparently he's curious about what's going on down there."

Clint winced. "Thanks for the heads up," he replied. "I'll tell the techie who decided to keep the Galaga sound-effects ringtone to change it."

Then, with a frown, he hung up and walked into the holding cell.

* * *

**Stark Mansion, Malibu**

Pepper Potts typed quickly on her laptop, although she wore a faint, relaxed smile as she did.

_You fill up my senses,_ John Denver's voice suddenly began to croon. _Like a night in the forest._

Pepper frowned. "JARVIS," she said, "I didn't ask for music."

The AI coughed. "It appears to be coming from your phone, Ma'am," he replied.

Pepper frowned as she dug out her phone, which continued to croon Annie's Song until she answered the call.

"Hey, Pep!" Tony greeted cheerfully. "How'd you like the song?"

Pepper attempted to keep a serious expression on her face. "Did you change my ringtone?" she asked, although it was clear that the answer was yes.

There was a pause which seemed to suggest that Tony had shrugged. "I'm not so good at the stable-relationship-romance thing," he admitted. "So I figured I'd let someone else do the talking …and, you know, when I first created the song list for everyone I thought I was going to die a bit, so it seemed like a good idea to get it right."

Pepper smiled, although there was a distinct melancholy to the expression. "How did the meeting with Ross go?" she asked.

Tony chuckled. "He's always good for a laugh – normally laughing at him, of course, but always good for a laugh," he said.

"Mister Stark," Pepper chided, amused.

"Agent C will be happy to know that the conversation went so well that Shield gets what they want and I'm having Ross' favourite bar demolished," he replied cheerfully.

Pepper sighed, amused and exasperated. "How long will it be until you get back?" she asked. "I need to know if you'll have time to have that conference call with the board today or whether it ought to be put off until tomorrow."

Tony made an awkward sort of noise. "Actually, I might have called to tell you that I'm not going to make it back tonight. I'm in New Mexico."

"New Mexico," Pepper repeated. "Tony…"

"Poolside picnic when I get back," the billionaire offered. "Scout's honour." Then he hung up.

Pepper put her face in her hand and, in spite of her efforts not to, began to chuckle. There really was no arguing with Tony when he was curious.

* * *

**Shield Desert Base Control Trailer**

"Donald Blake?" Phil asked, trying to display his scepticism without betraying his amusement.

"Doctor Donald Blake," Erik Selvig replied, earnestly.

From further inside the trailer, a voice could be faintly heard to murmur, "_This_was Hela's brilliant plan?"

It was followed by a second voice, which sounded distinctly like Thor, which murmured, "Loki," in a distinctly chiding, yet amused, tone.

"You have dangerous co-workers, Doctor Selvig," Phil replied, although he was thinking more of his sister than of his uncle.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his uncle gently prodding Agent Barton. Fenrir's sharp ears also picked up his father's wry comment of, "I think you broke him."

"Troubled," Selvig insisted, "not dangerous."

The sound of music began to float through the night air and, in unison, every Shield employee tensed slightly – even Clint, who was staring at his cold coffee in shock.

_Honey honey, how he thrills me, a-ha, honey honey. Honey honey, nearly kill me, a-ha, honey honey._

Alarmed expressions were traded among the Shield employees as everyone hurried to verify that _they_were not the victim this time.

Erik Selvig flushed slightly and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

The Shield employees seemed to breathe a united sigh of relief.

_I've heard about him before. I wanted to know some more_

"Go ahead," Phil said, amused. "This day couldn't get any stranger anyway."

As Selvig argued into the phone – trying, it seemed, not to reveal what he was talking about – with what had to be an over-anxious Doctor Foster, Phil turned around to look at his relatives and shocked colleague.

"It might be easier," Loki pointed out, "to simply let him go and have the family discussion somewhere that won't require you to write a report about it later."

Phil tilted his head in acknowledgement and then said, "Director Fury might not be happy with that."

Loki smiled tightly. "Let me handle your brother, Fen," the no-longer-blue man said. "You just handle explaining to Hela that her photography skills," here he jerked his head toward the computer running the ID verification, "need some improvement. As do her planning skills. Honestly, did she pick the worst liar of the three of them to do this part or would the charming Doctor Foster actually have been worse?"

Thor glared at his brother, although the glare was a fond one …if such things were possible.

As Erik finished his unfortunately timed phone call, Phil gestured Thor forward and toward the open door of the control trailer.

Erik blinked in surprise.

"Make sure he stays in town for the next few days in case we need to talk to him again," Phil told the scientist seriously. What he really meant was 'make sure you keep him around long enough for us to catch up with him again', but it would have been highly unprofessional to say that.

Thor glanced at his nephew curiously, then once more back at Agent Barton – who was still completely focused on his coffee – and walked out to go with Selvig.

Struck by a sudden thought, Phil added, "Just keep him away from the bars." He really didn't need his uncle to drink his new friends under the table on top of everything else.

As Erik promised to do so, and clearly didn't intend to, Phil noted with amusement that Uncle Thor had taken the chance to filch back Doctor Foster's notebook. He almost hoped his uncle would end up marrying the mortal astrophysicist: it would make family dinners so charmingly awkward …especially since mortals always seemed alarmed when they had to eat at the same table as a wolf and a serpent.

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil saw his father steal Agent Barton's coffee straight out of the poor man's hand. Loki, as usual, seemed completely unrepentant.

* * *

**Odin's Chambers**

A serpent slithered regally into the golden room whence his grandmother was holding court.

The Lady Sif, who had been – with her ever present cohorts by her side – trying, and failing, to talk her way out of the Queen's bad books (where Nick firmly believed she belonged for blaming father for the coronation's interruptions), blinked.

Frigga followed her line of sight and leapt to her feet. "Jörmungandr!" she exclaimed, alarmed. "Has something happened?"

Fury coiled up near the foot of his grandfather's bed and morphed into human form – a form which his grandmother (and honorary Aunts and Uncles; whose titles as such were likely to be revoked just as soon as all four of Loki's children had time to vote on the matter) had not seen in several decades.

It was therefore understandable that the first thing Queen Frigga did when he had finished his transformation was gasp. "Jörmungandr! Your eye!" she cried, horrified, and rushed to his side. She then turned her grandson's face in her hands, heedless of what embarrassment it might be bringing upon him.

"What happened?" Hogun asked, with a small amount of actual concern in his voice.

Nick gently pried his grandmother's hands from his face – holding onto them just in case she decided to make it clear in a physical manner than she objected to his choice of words – and replied, "I was hunting in the northern polar sea and I got into a disagreement with a motherfucking narwhal."

"Jörmungandr!" Frigga exclaimed, although it was unclear whether it was from alarm for his safety or displeasure at his cursing.

Sif's eyes lit up slightly at the mention of a battle. "How was it?" she asked, eagerly.

"It was tasty," Jörmungandr replied.

The Lady Sif and the Warriors Three traded somewhat squeamish glances.

"Grandmother," Nick said, getting back to his original purpose. "About, Father…"

Frigga sighed. "He panicked," she said. "I probably shouldn't have sent him down to Midgard while I was trying to convince him that we want him _here_… I thought he was going to do something stupid."

Jörmungandr nodded, placing a comforting hand on his grandmother's shoulder. "Perhaps, then we could consider Father's current banishment fair comeuppance for leading a group of Jotun into a trap for the purpose of helping Uncle Thor to be a better man," he suggested.

"It was him!" Sif cried, vindicated.

"So we were right in our conclusions," Volstagg said slowly.

Jörmungandr turned to them, angrily. "No," he said sharply. "You've known Father all his life and you still based your conclusion on the belief that he would do such a thing because _he_ wanted power: which goes against everything in his very nature – something which, as his _friends_you should have known. And that means it wasn't a 'right' conclusion: it was a stupid-ass conclusion."

Fandral opened his mouth, indubitably intending to say something to mitigate the situation. "I…" he began.

_I like to move it, move, it. I like to move it, move it._

Jörmungandr grit his teeth and hissed, "Stark," under his breath.

_I like to move it, move it. You like to: move it!_

Under the curious gazes of his Uncle's friends and his grandmother, Fury pulled out his phone and answered the call. "What?" he snapped.

There was a pause. Then Fury said, "I'm on my way," gave his grandmother an apologetic glance and stalked out of the chamber.

* * *

**Bar, Puente Antiguo**

"It seems Darcy's a terrible intern, but a talented hacker," Erik said wryly as he lifted his drink.

Thor smiled softly at the compliment to his niece. "Thank you for what you've done," he murmured sincerely.

"Don't thank me," Erik replied. "I only did it for Jane."

"Are you in love with her?" Thor asked. He was almost completely certain that it was not so, but it seemed worthwhile to ask anyway. Behind Erik, near the back of the room, Thor noticed three familiar figures enter the bar. His brother and nephew, it seemed, had arrived – and they had brought the agent called Hawkeye with them. The poor man did seem to need a drink.

"Of course not!" Erik replied, surprised. "Jane's like a daughter to me. Her father and I taught at University together. A good man, but he never listened."

Thor frowned thoughtfully down at his drink. "Neither did I," he said, quietly, thinking back on the many warnings given by his father and brother.

Doctor Selvig eyed him with interest. "I don't know if you're really delusional," he began.

"Oh don't worry, he's just as sane as I am," a cool, wry voice interrupted.

"That's not particularly reassuring," Phil murmured.

Erik, quite understandably, tensed at the sight of Agent Coulson and his two companions – all three of whom sat down on Thor's other side.

"I'm off duty at the moment, Doctor," Phil added, soothingly.

"As I recall, Nephew," Thor said, "you were the one who attempted to eat the sun. I don't think you should be the one making judgements on the sanity of others."

Phil groaned and put his head in his hand, muttering something that sounded distinctly like, "It was a model sun and I was only a puppy. Why does everyone have to keep bringing that up?"

"Because it sounds like it was cute," Hawkeye suggested, idly accepting the beer Loki passed him (which happened to be Thor's, but that was hardly surprising; all things considered).

Loki frowned at his brother. "Thor?" he asked.

Thor shook his head slightly. "I had it all backwards," he said softly not really paying attention. "I had it all wrong."

"It's not a bad thing, finding out that you don't have all the answers. That's when you start asking the right questions," Erik advised. Then, somewhat wryly, he added to Coulson, "Although sometimes you can be overwhelmed by the amount of questions you're left with."

_Who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!_

Everyone in the bar turned to stare in the direction the noise had come from.

"It's not me this time," Fenrir announced, raising his hands.

"I left my phone behind," Clint said as he put his empty glass down.

Loki groaned. "I am beginning to hate your consultant," he informed his son. In the annoying-theme-tune-excluding silence, the statement carried clearly across the room.

"Well, now that's not very nice," Stark said from the door of the bar. Then he looked around and smiled cockily. "Say Coulson, why don't you ever invite me to the interesting parties?"

* * *

**Smith Motors-Lab**

Nick Jörmungandr Fury looked over his assorted relatives, employees and their friends and shook his head.

In the two days since Tony Stark had arrived, the entire place had undergone a major transformation – the least peculiar factor of which was that Shield was now collaborating with Doctor Foster and Stark: who insisted that the astrophysicist's research deserved more than _just_government funding.

Stark himself was in deep conversation with Loki, who appeared to be carving magic runes into the back of a mobile phone – the pair were both wearing extremely wicked grins on their faces. Nick thought it best not to ask about what they were up to - the fact that Fenrir swore he'd overheard the words 'Laufey' and 'deserves it' was reason enough.

When Stark loudly mentioned that he was putting his ringtone-changing algorithm to 'good use' Jörmungandr began to wish he'd never noticed that his father and the consultant were up to something at all.

Director Fury knew perfectly well that his father and uncle _could_ return to Asgard at any point – at least, at any point since yesterday, when a somewhat inebriated townie (the very same who had vomited in Izzy's diner and later picked a drunken fight with Thor and Stark in the bar …a fight which Erik Selvig, of all people, had won) had nearly been killed by a speeding car.

In spite of the bad history, if one could call it that, between them, Thor had knocked the townie out of the way and his powers had been returned to him moments after his death (and he had died, Hela had assured everyone …and then had proceeded to text a message to her underlings to let them know they weren't allowed to take Thor into any of the afterlives).

Agent Barton was on the phone, no doubt to Agent Romanoff, trying to get the insanity of the situation across by words and intonations alone.

"Jörmungandr," a soft, stern voice behind the Director said.

Fury turned around in the doorway and found himself face to face with Odin Allfather – who was fully dressed in his ceremonial armour. "Granfather," Jörmungandr acknowledged calmly.

There was immediate silence from everyone in the building. This was followed by the definite sounds of Thor and Loki scrambling to find their helmets (and, in Loki's case, empty it of the random papers that were being stored in it).

Jörmungandr stepped to the side so that Odin could enter the lab – heedless of the fact that Loki was still scrambling to get his helmet on straight. To the relief of both the Odinsons, the King smiled gently at them.

That was when Stark burst out laughing.

The Allfather turned to him and gave him a stern look. "Something amuses you?" he inquired coolly.

Tony Stark laughed again, took a sip of his drink and nodded to Loki. Then he put his arms up in a position that gave the rough impression of the grand horned helmet. "Reindeer," Tony explained.

A moment later, as Loki turned a rather charming shade of red, Tony turned his hands – which were still above his head – so that they mimicked Thor's helmet. "Chicken," he continued.

Finally, Tony moved his hands into an extremely rough imitation of Odin's helmet and cheerfully stated, "Pterodactyl."

Hela giggled so much that she fell out of her chair.

* * *

**Throne Room Antechamber**

The people of Asgard milled about, many eager and curious to catch sight of strange mortals who had been given permission from the Allfather to come to Asgard for the coronation (or, technically speaking, the second – this time hopefully _completed_- coronation) of Thor.

Prince Loki stood with his children, the Lady Sif, the Warriors Three and the Midgardian guests. It seemed that an additional precaution had been added to the removal of non-ceremonial weapons before the ceremony would begin – for Prince Loki, his children and every single one of the Midgardians had been required to hand over their strange little noise-machines for the duration of the ceremony.

Loki flashed Sif a smile that was both wry and cheeky. She glared at him.

Behind Loki, Jane caught sight of the glare and winced – she was well aware that Thor's friend felt some small amount of resentment toward her for essentially (and unintentionally) winning Thor's affections. Erik, who seemed to be the most mature person of the lot of them, had assured her that the resentment would fade in time.

Fandral looked between Jörmungandr and Fenrir cautiously – he was well aware that he was in their (as the mortals would say) bad books for failing to defend their father more (apparently the fact that he really _was_the one who let the Jotun in was immaterial) and he doubted he would be able to actually get past either of them to talk to Hela. After all, neither Hogun nor Volstagg had any desire to risk their necks for one of his romantic entanglements.

Loki, for his part, seemed highly amused by the fact that Tony, Pepper, Clint and the female agent (apparently a 'Natasha' – whom Fenrir had somehow successfully convinced Odin to invite) were actually attracting more curious looks than anyone else. It was probably the fact that Jane was rumoured to be Thor's bride-to-be (she wasn't: he hadn't the courage to ask her yet). Or it might have been the amusement Tony had at commenting on Asgardian fashion.

Idly Loki pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket and, with a smile at his friends and family, turned it off.

* * *

**Jötunheimr**

Laufey looked around cautiously. One of his eyes was twitching. For several days after the Odinson had started a battle in the middle of his throne room he had been thoughtful – mostly as to how he could possibly act upon his bluff (for he could declare war all he wanted, but he could make no attack without the traitor to open the way into Asgard again), although he had given occasional thought to the strange noise which had come from the younger Prince of Asgard.

In hindsight, he wished he had paid more attention to the sound before it began to haunt him. It was not, even, the specific sound which haunted him – he had never heard that same melody again – but some three days after the battle he had found himself followed around by the occasional burst of music (and very strange music it was) from a little machine which he could not find a way to break. No matter how much frost he applied, the metal machine refused to burn up. Worse still, it literally followed him around: every time he thought he had finally gotten rid of it, it would reappear.

Finally, though, he had found a few moments of peace and quiet without the horrid thing.

_This is the song that never ends…_

* * *

A/N: List of songs used;_  
_

**The Very Awkward Ringtone**

Coronation, _Stayin' Alive_ – The BeeGees, _Loki_

Jotunheim, _I'm Blue _– Eiffel 65, Loki (Tony's fault)

Weapons Vault_, I'm Too Sexy_ – Right Said Fred, Loki (Tony's fault)

Midgard, _Magic Dance_ – David Bowie, Tony (Loki's fault)

**The Return of the Very Awkward Ringtone**

Shield HQ, _Mission Impossible Theme_ – all Shield Employees (Tony's fault)

Shield HQ, _Theme From Jaws _– Fury

Smith Motors-Lab, _Always Look on the Bright Side of Life_ – Monty Python, Darcy

Isabela's Diner_, I Hold Your Hand In Mine_ - Tom Lehrer, Darcy

Throne Room, _Witch Doctor_ - Ross Bagdasarian, Sr., Loki (Tony's Fault)

Shield Holding Cell, _Who Let The Dogs Out_ – Coulson

Shield Holding Cell, _Princes of the Universe_ – Queen, Loki (Tony's Fault)

**The Repercussions of the Very Awkward Ringtone**

Shield Desert Base, Command Centre, _I Feel Pretty_ – West Side Story, Clint

Shield HQ, _Black Widow Song_ – Natasha (Tony's fault)

Shield HQ, _Maria_ – West Side Story, Maria Hill (Tony's fault)

Shield HQ, _Purple People Eater_ – Sheb Wooley, Fury (Tony's Fault)

Stark Mansion, _Annie's Song_ – Pepper (Tony's Fault)

Shield Desert Base, Command Centre, _Honey, Honey_ – Abba, Erik

Odin's Chambers, _I Like To Move It_ – Madagascar, Fury (Tony's Fault)

Bar, Puente Antiguo, _Ghostbusters Theme_ – Loki (Tony's fault)

Jotunheim, _The Song That Never Ends_ – Laufey (Loki and Tony's fault)


End file.
